Article By: Thamar Houliston
Fri, 04 Apr 2008 09:48
I am a commitment phobe. At least I think that's what they call it. I have a classic case of 'run as soon as you feel the pressure'. Work isn't a problem, although a few times I have been close to impulsively booking a ticket to India/South America/anywhere to escape the chains of my desk, but I manage to calm myself down because I know if I really wanted to go, I could.
My most recent dilemma is that my diary is littered with engagement parties, hen parties, weddings… which all spell 'finality'.
My list of wing women is seriously diminishing, with most of my friends from the prime circle of singledom now either married or headed in that direction.
End of the world as we know it
I feel like it's over. The days of pubs, fun and sleep ins or no sleep at all will soon be replaced with civilised gatherings at friend's 'homes' where knowledge of diaper changing is compulsory for guests. Or worse we could end up spending the evening arguing about silverware and what kind of crockery will last a lifetime…
When these moments of finality arise, bouts of phobia hit me. Suddenly my heart starts palpitating, my palms are sweaty, I've no idea where I am, and I'm paralysed by anxiety. My only reaction is the incredible impulse to down my glass of champagne and shout — "Tequila anyone?"
My most recent moment of paralysis was at dinner where we met the 'happy couple' who had just got engaged (again one of my best friends). I smiled and nodded the whole evening but could not form a sentence, and my 'I'm-so-happy-for-you' face must have looked more like a 'my-cat-just-died' kind of expression.
Maybe it's just that I'm not ready, or perhaps it's that I have not mentally prepared for this stage of my life when the general trend is to settle. No doubt it doesn't mean I have to, but someday I will.
One in a million?
So I did a little research and stumbled upon the book by Elina Furman called 'Kiss and Run', in which she says that today single women are becoming increasingly scared of commitment. Whatever the reasons — fear of divorce, increased financial independence, delayed motherhood — more women than ever no longer feel the urgency, or the ability, to settle down. So I realised that I'm not alone.
Furman notes that as millions of single women stand on the threshold of commitment, struggling with their fears as they try to decide whether to get married, cohabit, or break up, many of them wonder:
1. Is this normal?
2. Why am I feeling so anxious?
3. Am I the only one who feels this way?
Sound familiar? Furman says the answers to these questions are simple: (1) Yes, it's normal. (2) Because commitment is scary. (3) And no, you're not alone.
Do I fear commitment?
Phobia-fear-release.com says the following about what happens when you suffer from fear of commitment:
You don't want to develop a relationship because you are afraid of losing your own identity.
You are always confused and you keep on leaving and returning to relationships constantly.
You always have the tendency to criticise your partner.
You are afraid to commit to work, hobbies, timetables and therapy.
You try to present yourself unattractively to your partner with the desire that a relationship will never develop.
You may have high expectations from your partner.
You deliberately accuse your partners and complain about their inability to handle relationships.
If you have the fear of commitment you will never encourage your partner in marriage related matters.
Scared yet? I thought so...
Ok, well now that I have established that these feelings are normal, question is how to deal with them?
Dealing with commitment issues:
Ask yourself: Why am I afraid of commitment? Is it my partner? Am I afraid of getting hurt? Write down these questions and answers.
Read your list to yourself. Do these answers make sense? Expand on them in detail.
Create a new list of things you love about your partner. Do you like the way they treat you? Write only the things that you like to see in them.
Put down 'what if' questions, and write down all possibilities.
Compare the two lists. Highlight the two most important things on each list. Ask yourself, "are these good reasons to be afraid?" and "are these good reasons to love my partner?"
Realise that if your partner would want marriage or a family, you would be too afraid to say yes. Think about how your partner would take it.
Think about your life with a family. Think about the good thoughts, not the bad, such as your first home together, teaching your baby to walk, bringing them to their first day of kindergarten, teaching them the qualities of life they'll need to know. If you're not planning on having children, think about always being with your partner and your life together.
Confront them about your fear. Explain the reasons why you don't want commitment yet. Do not direct the issue at them!
Talk to your partner about changes in your life. Is something going on that you don't have time for commitment? Explain everything that's going on.
Once you have realised why you are afraid of commitment you can deal with the underlying problems and have much more fruitful relationships.
Go at your own pace...
Although it's good to realise why you feel trapped in a relationship or why you don't want to commit, it's also important to remember that everyone goes at their own pace. Pressure from friends and family should be the last reason to get married.
On the plane home the other day I sat next to a very wise granny who was telling me about her grandchildren (who were about my age), she said, "one thing I always tell my granddaughter is you should wait to get married, there is no point in rushing into it, you have the rest of your life to be married".
I'll take that advice... and perhaps a couple of prozacs, as I head out to tonight's engagement party.
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